September 29, 2023 - Mental Weakness

Yesterday I got a reminder of perhaps the skill I most need to work on. A skill that a have bizarre mix of real strength and profound weakness. A skill that will really determine if I'm able to finish this project or not.

The skill: mental strength. What do I mean by this? In the context of the High Five By 55 project, I mean the mental strength to continue to endure. Endure in the face of adversity. Endure in the face of pain, of boredom, of fear, of uncertainty. Just like the physical training is designed to build the capacity to physically endure the demands of an adventure like High Five 100, I was reminded that I need to mentally train to mentally endure the demands of the same adventure.

Yesterday, I ran a fitness test to try to gauge my current fitness as I really begin to dive into training for California International Marathon. The test was a simple one: after a 5 minute warm up, run 25 minutes at a pace roughly between half and full marathon pace, then without any rest run 3 minutes at around 10k pace, and finally straight into 3 minutes at somewhere between 5k and 1 mile pace. This is the third time I've tried to run this test over the past couple months. This is the third time I was not able to complete the test, though also got much closer than before.

And I have a reasonable, rational excuse for failing each time: weather. I had hoped for some decent (by South Florida September standards) weather yesterday. The summer temperatures have finally been coming down ever so slightly. We've seen some dew points in the low 70s instead of low 80s in the past couple weeks. And there have been cooling showers fairly regularly in the afternoons. Yesterday, I only got one of those three. The temperature was 86 degrees when I began, quite a bit better than the 90s the other two times I tried the test. But the dew point ended up being a disgustingly moist 79 degrees. And the rain just didn't materialize. It drizzled during the warm up, and perfectly stopped raining the moment I began part one of the test. Absolutely tough conditions for trying to run at fairly high paces for an extended period of time. 

I got through the first 25 minute part quite comfortably, the most comfortably I have gotten through it so far. I was confident that this would be the day I'd finish the test, and probably without much risk of failure. I was hot. My shoes were drenched in sweat as if I'd run through miles of puddles. I did jam the hat I was wearing for rain protection into the back of my shorts to get some air flowing over my head. But it was not uncomfortable to hold the pace. Picking up the pace for the middle 3 minutes (roughly 10k pace) came easily, though holding the pace was very uncomfortable and my body temperature was clearly increasing. Then the final part hit. As soon as I started pushing that pace, my heart rate skyrocketed, my legs felt absurdly heavy, and I felt like I'd vomit at any second. Just 20-30 seconds per mile faster than I'd just been running, but I was miserable, totally miserable. I kept telling myself that it was just three minutes, that I'd fought through much deeper places while climbing Bridge of Heaven during Ouray 100, that this was really just two laps around a track. 

I survived one minute. Then I suddenly pulled up into a walk. There wasn't a conscious thought to do it, to give up. There wasn't a moment of awareness of the mental weakness that was about to hit. I just...walked. And the test was failed. With just two minutes to go. With 29 minutes and so much of the work done, I walked and failed.

This is a bit of mental weakness I really need to work on. I clearly have some mental strength. Getting through Ouray 100 with an almost total inability to eat anything for 24 hours required deep mental strength. But then there's this other side, this side that can pop up out of nowhere, this side where I make decisions subconsciously or unconsciously to give up. It's an instinctual mental weakness, a reflex to protect myself. It also cropped up when I tried to run a faster 5k early this year. This moment when I simply gave up without any conscious decision to do so. One moment I'm filled with resolve and thoughts to push, push, push. The next moment, I'm walking.

And perhaps, perhaps, that instinct to walk in that moment actually was the right decision. Perhaps it was too hot and my body was overheating in that moment and I was about to push myself into real trouble. It's possible. But I don't think that was the case. I think I could have safely pushed through the discomfort for two more minutes. I just didn't, maybe couldn't. I have some mental weakness here.

I'm not sure how to develop this mental strength and ability to control decisions being made outside of my awareness. Resiliency building exercises, I suppose. Working on awareness and intentionality in my running, maybe. I don't know. But this definitely goes on The Big List of Skills to work on. (Yes, this is an actual list I'm building and maintaining as a part of this project.) This might go to the very top of the list. How easy it would be during High Five 100 to thoughtlessly walk up to my crew's car, climb in the back seat, and lay down to sleep.