A 2024 Retrospective That’s Not Fun To Write
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| 2024 Jacksonville Marathon - A PR! |
Looking back at 2024 brings up a lot of emotion. The year concluded on such a high note with my run at the Jacksonville Marathon in mid December where I set a PR and executed a marathon the best I ever have, whether racing or pacing. It was a wonderful way to close out the year and I was left giddy for days with the way that race went. But I'm kind of starting at the end of the story, not the usual way to begin.
The truth is 2024 was a deeply challenging year for me, both professionally and personally. I struggled with physical health. I struggled with mental health. I struggled with family challenges. I struggled with professional focus and motivation. It was a big struggle in many respects, yet with no single big moment or trauma or event to "blame" that struggling upon.
The struggle really begins immediately after CIM in December of 2024. That race did not go how I had hoped. But it really wasn't a disappointment. I knew I was chasing a huge stretch goal where the stars would have to align and everything would have to go perfectly for me to reach my goal. Those stars did not align and I had been pretty comfortable with not achieving my goal knowing I had truly gone for it despite the stretch it involved. So that race didn't kick the struggle off.
But after that race even before I got home, I noticed myself getting a bit ill. Nothing serious, just a bit of a cold. I was quickly over that bit of illness. But that was followed shortly thereafter by a second bout of illness, this time more meaningful. Many around me had COVID at that time, so I assumed I had it also, though didn't bother testing. By Miami Marathon in late January I was feeling better and ready to pace. But I failed that pacing gig having to stop with severe diarrhea on three separate occasions and ultimately missing my pace goal by a whopping 10 minutes! And this cycle of recovering and then getting pretty sick continued through April. I was also struggling to sleep, struggling with motivation, and deeply irritable. Four or five times I was pretty sick, when I finally decided it was time to see both the doctor and psychiatrist. Through scheduling happenstance, I saw the psychiatrist first, who suggested it sounded like I may have symptoms of some type of hormone imbalance or thyroid issue and asked that I first work with my doctor to rule anything like that out before deeper mental health options were pursued. Many tests and pokes and jabs later, nothing was apparent and I was the model of physical health. A slight cholesterol particle size concern, a need for a little more Vitamin D, but nothing alarming whatsoever. My doctor gave me something to help me sleep better, which worked like a miracle for sleep, and I began feeling better almost immediately. The illnesses stopped and I thought I was on a path to improvement. It was just a sleep issue!
It was not just a sleep issue, though that was certainly a part of the challenge. But more on that a bit later. First, now I was deep into Bighorn 100 training, but had not been training at all like I hoped to with all the illness. Fortunately, while I suffered with low motivation professionally and in many personal endeavors, runnings was always there for me. When I wasn't ill, I was able to train how I hoped to. I was behind on my Bighorn 100 training, but not behind in a way that should put finishing at risk. Just behind where I wanted to be. I was quick to adjust my Bighorn race expectations, throwing out any time goals and just focusing on finishing, which would be a totally fine outcome in this High Five By 55 project.
Training from mid April through May went really well and I was feeling physically pretty good about Bighorn 100 as my friend and I drove from Rapid City to the race. I had no concerns about finishing. In retrospect, I was probably too confident and too lackadaisical as the race approached. Long story short, I did not finish Bighorn 100. Not because of fitness. But because of my first DNF due to bona fide injury. Without any knowledge when it happened, I severely twisted something in my ankle around mile 18. At every aid station thereafter, I considered dropping. The pain was excruciating at times, though only when going downhill. Uphill was totally fine. Eventually, I decided to get to the turnaround of this out and back course, so at least I'd get to experience the entire course. But I knew I'd be dropping because the "back" of this out and back was mostly downhill. Normally that would be a positive, but not when one has an injury that hurts severely when going downhill.
Dropping was absolutely the right call. Perhaps I could have toughed out a finish, I had loads of time. But the reality is I probably would have gotten cut at the next aid station with a time cut off. I moved so slowly downhill. And without any question, I would have exacerbated the injury significantly. As it was, I was able to take just a little time off, lick my wounds, and then turn to marathon preparation with a good amount of time before Jacksonville (with a small intermission to get ready to pace at Run Rabbit Run.) But while dropping was the right call, it added to the mental struggles I was still fighting with. Now this High Five project would lose a year with no Hardrock 100 qualifier for me. Now I would be a year closer to age 55 and not having achieved step one of the plan. And the likelihood was that injury was related to the illnesses and the mental state I was in much more so than anything that happened on course. A tweak in a broken body just waiting for its day to reveal itself.
That failing in step one of the High Five By 55 plan certainly didn't help my mental well-being, but the reality is running was overwhelmingly there for me throughout my struggles in 2024 even after the Bighorn DNF. My Sunday long run group was such important social engagement as my days felt darker and drearier otherwise, especially professionally. The structure and rhythm and discipline of marathon training became a guiding light in what otherwise felt like darkening and thickening storm clouds around much of my life. While motivation failed me in all other aspects of life, running motivation was rarely lacking.
But the reality is I was in a deep mental health hole. I don't know how deep that might have gotten were it not for running. It took me ages to realize how deep that hole was. I felt I'd been improving all around since I began sleeping better. And my physical health had been improving. I've really had no illness since April even as others were sick around me fairly often. I'd feel the start of something, but it would fade before fully developing. I was able to train hard, not miss really any marathon training workouts, pretty much hit all my paces, and recovery well. Physically, I felt excellent. But I wasn't healthy.
Finally it began to click with me that I wasn't healthy. And worse, that my mental health wasn't just affecting me, but also people in my life. Family and coworkers. I was letting people down. I was dropping balls. I was making jobs harder for others through my inability to stay focused and to get my job done. I was performing exceptionally poorly professionally, and only slightly better as a father and husband. That goodness I have a deeply understanding wife, and coworkers who spackled all the holes I was creating exceptionally well. This clicked with me in September right around the time I went to Steamboat Springs to pace at Run Rabbit Run. That pacing weekend was an absolute light of joy and connection in a rather dark time.
However, it took until October for me to finally activate myself to do something. And it took until November for me to really seek help, when I finally made an appointment with my psychiatrist again. I shared with her that my thyroid and all other testing from April had come back excellent, that the sleep had improved and that benefited my physical health, but that I was so deeply unmotivated in most things and deeply irritable. After some discussion, she informed me that I was likely suffering from some moderate depression (no surprise and what I had expected to hear) and from very substantial and debilitating anxiety (something that came as a total shock to me.) I've dealt with meaningful, moderate episodes of depression twice before as an adult. In both those occasions, there was a clear event that preceded the depressive episode. This time, that's not the case. Just a slow build over probably a couple years. But it was not a surprise. This felt like something I knew and had experienced before.
But the anxiety, that was a total shock to me. Though not my wife. I can't even tell you today what anxiety is. Yet, the doc was sure about this. And there was confirmation. The medication I had been given to help with sleep in April, Xanax. And the xanax wasn't giving me any type of high or any of the descriptions that people who abuse it recreationally use. I just felt...normal. But normal without a racing mind. And without that racing mind, I could sleep instead of lay around with a billion thoughts in my head. I suppose that racing mind IS anxiety. Now, my psychiatrist has strongly urged me to be very judicious about Xanax use going forward given its highly addictive nature, and I'm only using it very sparingly. But it proved confirmation of significant anxiety. As I've come to learn, people with serious anxiety don't really get any kind of high with xanax. They explain their reaction much as I do. It's almost nothing, but that nothing offers a bit of quiet.
So, I was on a path to trying to improve the depression and especially this new to me understanding of anxiety. I grew up with severe social anxiety. That I understood. But this was general anxiety, all the time anxiety, something totally different and amorphous. Something I don't understand at all. I had a good friend suggest to me "you've probably always lived with this and it's so much the water you swim in that you simply can't imagine any other way of being." That rings true to me. I can't describe anxiety because in my mind, it's simply what life is.
And that is the journey I am on now. Trying different medications (I may have now found something that's really beneficial after a first medication that turned me into a zombie), therapy, and being open about this struggle with supportive friends, some who struggle similarly; and apologizing and showing deep gratitude to those who have borne the brunt of my struggles.
Of course, as I was prescribed new strong medications only weeks before Jacksonville Marathon, I was very worried with how that would interact. Running had been there for me through all of this past year. I sure didn't want to lose it now! Fortunately, the medications have had no impact on my running at all. Motivation has remained the same. Physical ability has remained the same. This has made me happy.
So, 2024 has been a mighty struggle. It is so encouraging to have wrapped up with some real positivity with my run at Jacksonville. Finding a medication that seems to be really helpful also contributes greatly. I'm feeling much better today, on January 3rd, than 6 weeks ago and like in a different world than 16 weeks ago. And I've also completely ignored plenty of really positive moments in 2024 for the sake of brevity in this writing. Run Rabbit Run pacing and crewing was a beacon of light. A wonderful weekend in the Keys with my wife. The annual trip to Camp Randall and Madison, WI. The year wasn't all dark storm clouds, of course, but they were the overriding emotion for most of the year.
I have also decided my 2025 running focus I will be totally on the marathon. The Chicago Marathon specifically, where I hope to take one final shot at breaking 2:50. Yep, that means another year lost in the High Five By 55 project, and I'm at peace with that. I'm not off that project at all! The idea still energizes me greatly! However, it's a bit too big, too nebulous, too long term while I work through my mental challenges. Reaching my marathon goal will require a ton of work and focus and good nutrition decisions and improved sleep, but it's also a goal and journey that's very concrete. I know almost exactly what needs to be done to make reaching the goal a real possibility. Most of reaching that goal is in my control. I know the next clear step.
And right now the healthiest running journey for me is one with a clear path and distinct milestones.
And, really importantly, I love the marathon.
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